Broccoli & Cauliflower

This might come as a shock to anyone who knows me, but I'm often sarcastic in my conversations. I'm told that I have a pretty good "serious face" during these moments, making it rather difficult to figure out if I'm just joking or not. One teacher once told me that they believed I disliked them with a passion because they couldn't get a read on my thoughts. The irony here is that I only have positive opinions about this educator and they're probably one of the best I'll ever work with in my career.

So you can imagine how challenging it must be for my wife to know if I'm serious or not, as she's around me quite a bit.

While some would offer the advice to just not be so sarcastic (and that's great advice), my wife and I instead decided that we would have a "truth" word that I could add to my conversations that would tell her that I was being serious. The word we chose was Cauliflower.

There is one main rule regarding Cauliflower: my wife can't ask for Cauliflower; it can only be given. If there is a moment where she's unsure if I'm serious, she can't say "is this Cauliflower?" Instead, if I'm serious about something I'm saying, I'll just simply add the word "Cauliflower" to the conversation.

For example, if I've purchased her a spa weekend for just her and her friends and she doesn't believe me that it's actually happening, I'll simply say "honey, Cauliflower" and she now knows it's true. This is incredibly helpful in our relationship. I even utilize "Cauliflower" with some of my staff members. I suspect they appreciate it.

Tonight, my wife and I added a second word: Broccoli.

As previously shared, our daughters have significant special needs. We're trying to make things work in our home, but it's increasingly challenging every single day. We have had more than one therapist recommend a residential placement for them. We just can't envision placing our daughters in such an environment; could anyone imagine doing that to their child? That said, we recognize that it's something that is approaching fast on our family's horizon, if only for the safety of our sons and selves.

Given the special needs of our daughters, of which reactive attachment is a huge component, we don't travel anywhere as a family. Every single time we try, we fail. Breakfasts outside of our house (and even at home) turn into a chaotic mess. I can't think of a single car ride that's gone on for more than 10 minutes with all six of us in the car that didn't involve a significant issue (such as vomit, hitting, yelling, throwing, etc). If you ever want to know what torture feels like, imagine a flight delay with all four kids coming back from a family trip. Please note I said "trip" as we don't ever have vacations.

This is our life now.

The challenge as parents is how to raise our age-appropriate sons with as many wonderful experiences as possible, as our daughters cannot attend these events (too loud, too far, too many people, too few people, animals, Santa Claus, wind, cheering, music, etc...). So we, as parents, either have to split up and only one parent goes with the boys... or we don't go at all... or we try to go as a family, even though we know it won't work.

Tonight, we went as a family. It didn't work.

For those local to the Bay Area, there's the Niles Train of Lights in Fremont. My wife heard it was a great experience and wanted to go as a family. I pushed against the idea (see above) but acquiesced as I share her desire to provide these experiences for our kids. To the surprise of no-one, it was a complete failure.

Horrible weather. Rush hour traffic. Disregulated daughters. Hangry sons. Exhausted parents. Crowds. Lines. Noises. Santa Claus.

During the event, I looked at my wife and said that we needed a new word. If either of us came to the other with an event for our family to attend, their spouse could say "Broccoli" with the understanding that we'd take a step back from the idea we were really excited about and figure out if it really made sense for our family. I shared the example that I wanted to take all four kids to a baseball game this Summer and how my wife kindly expressed all of the ways that it could go wrong with all four. I shared how horribly traumatic our attempt to take the four kids to a sensory-friendly Nutcracker performance last week went. It's just how things are for our family right now.

So now we have two words; one that helps our conversations and one that helps our solidarity in best supporting our family. We hope that things will get better in the future, but for now, it's just a lot of Broccoli. 

It's Not About the Pasta

Every night, my wife and I collectively decide what television show we're going to watch that evening. I always push for The Challenge on MTV. She always votes for anything related to The Bachelor. Together, though, we can agree on Vanderpump Rules.

For those of you not familiar with the (fake) reality show titled Vanderpump Rules, it follows Lisa Vanderpump (of Real Housewife "fame") and the late-twenties servers at one of her restaurants. Many of the main cast of characters have had intertwining relationships and the weekly fallout therein makes for great, mindless television each week. 

In a semi-recent scene (words bleeped out, be careful!), James Kennedy (a "DJ" for the restaurant who calls himself the "White Kanye") and former BFF Lala (who believes she's Tupac reincarnated) have an argument that centers around Lala eating James' girlfriend's pasta. Lala boasted about doing so and James got quite upset. They proceeded to have an argument about the pasta eating in the middle of the street with the cameras rolling. During the argument, James would scream "it's not about the pasta!" but Lala would return the conversation back to the pasta. 

It was fascinating television as they argued back and forth about the pasta incident, but as James said at the end of the clip, it truly wasn't about the pasta. It rarely is.

One thing I've discovered is that when friends, colleagues, spouses, family members argue with one another, it's rarely about the pasta.

Often, the argument is about how someone felt slighted, ignored, excluded, upset about how they were treated. Complicating matters more, the other person is rarely aware of how this person is feeling because there's little to no communication. Thus, someone will suffer in silence, building up their pain until that last little drop of frustration overflows their internal already filled-to-the-brim cup of kindness. 

Part of the problem is that we, as human beings, often shy away from hard conversations with the hope that things will get better on their own.

Newsflash: They don't.

As an educator, I've seen incredibly talented co-workers privately share how hurt they were at the actions or the words of one of their colleagues. I'll listen and always encourage them to seek out that person to discuss. Most times, the person who has hurt them isn't even aware that their words or actions were taken in such a manner. Even more so, there's a miscommunication that led to their feelings and could be easily addressed. 

What's interesting is that I've found many educators will shy away from having these conversations with their colleagues. Perhaps they think things will get better on their own. Maybe they are intimidated by the their co-worker. They might believe that nothing will change if they do bring up their concern. However, by staying silent, nothing improves and one's own mental health can suffer. And when they finally do speak up down the line about a separate incident, it's hard for their co-worker to understand why they're so upset about "the pasta". 

Given that most of these conflicts occur through miscommunications, I'd like to suggest the following for any educator struggling with a colleague:

First, when you see or hear something that upsets you, don't wait too long to respond. If someone says something flippant in the staff room at lunch, let them know right then and there that what they said wasn't nice or accurate. If a teacher says that all of the kids at your school are lazy, speak up and let them know that's (hopefully) not true. Don't let the one teacher's narrative become your story.

Second, if you hear something that a colleague said through the grapevine, try to speak with them directly. Quotes quickly lose their context when shared outside of the original conversation. Just go straight to the source and ask for a clarification. Sarcasm doesn't travel well and is often a signifiant source of colleague conflict in schools. 

Third, assume positivity. Maybe your co-worker is having a rough day, month, year. Maybe their comments are a cry for help and support. Are they a good educator, someone who you'd want your own child to be in their class? If so, perhaps assuming positivity throughout the miscommunication might help fix the minor conflict.

Fourth, don't make the issues of others your own. I believe it is good to support your peers, but there's a saying out there: These mountains you were carrying, you were only supposed to climb. If you absorb the negative emotions of others, you'll find yourself drowning in your days. Acknowledge that sometimes people will just say things they shouldn't and not always be as nice as you'd like them to be. This is ok. 

Fifth, when you do have a hard conversation with a colleague, don't argue about non-issues. Just be kindly blunt and perfectly direct at how you're feeling. Don't expect them to own your feelings, but instead hopefully acknowledge how their words and actions contributed to the conversations you're having now. The hope is to rebuild whatever bridges were broken but it takes both parties to agree to this project. 

And sixth, when you do have the conversation, be ready and willing to let your frustrations over the first incident go. If you harbor these thoughts beyond the initial chat, you haven't truly had a conversation worth having. Make sure when you have that colleague conversation, you're ready to fully clear the air so you're able to walk away anew. Otherwise, you'll just be internally upset while your colleague assumes things are perfectly fine.

Don't assume that things will just magically improve without working to address the concern. Don't wait for a second... or a third event to happen and cause the relationships to further deteriorate. When this happens, it's harder for both parties to address the original concern. After all, as the cast from Vanderpump Rules can confirm, it's not about the pasta.

Graduation Speech - 2019 - Union Middle School

Below is my graduation speech for the Union Middle School class of 2019. 

This was an odd speech to write. With everything going on at home these days with the four kids, there wasn't that organic moment I've experienced in years past that spurred the graduation speech to be born. I'm not sure why this year was different. I adore this year's class; it's filled with amazing kids. Even the kids I would see on a regular basis in the office are wonderful young adults. 

About two weeks ago, I wrote down a few bullet points about relationships. It's how I write a lot of my blogs. I take a topic, write down 3-5 main points, add in a few words/examples about each of the five points, and then fill in the details at a later date. A week later, I did just that and expanded on the bullet points, ending up with the below graduation speech. 

What I've got below is 99% of my first draft. That's another difference than past speeches: I didn't do a lot of revisions. It felt a bit odd to me as I've never written a graduation speech this way. I also didn't share the speech with my wife or my usual peer edits. I read it aloud on Wednesday to our assistant principal and that's it. My final few edits came this morning, the day of graduation. I actually started to write a different speech, a more generic one, at 8 am this morning but quickly discarded it. I'm not sure why I was fighting this speech so much.

For whatever reason, I'm glad I stuck with my original words. It's a bit shorter than some of the past diatribes, but that's okay. I'm happy to have had the opportunity to share this message with our students as they promote on to high school. They're such a great class. We are going to miss them.

As always, thank you parents for your support over the past three years, thank you staff for your continued dedication to our students, and thank you students for just being you. 

Here is the graduation speech. Enjoy.

-Todd

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Good Evening Everyone,

For those of you in the audience who don’t know me, my name is Todd Feinberg, and I have been privileged to have been the principal of Union Middle School for the past seven years. As always, it is an honor to stand in front of you all today, amongst our 8th grade class and entire Union Middle School faculty. We truly care about each and every one of our Union Tigers. We hope you all will keep in touch.

To the class of 2019 - congratulations. You've (almost) made it and in a few short minutes, you'll be walking across this stage to signify your promotion from middle school and, perhaps more importantly, your official transition to high school. This is a rather important moment in your young adult lives. Enjoy it.

But first, a few words...

Given this opportunity to address the class of 2019 for one final time, I'd like to thank each and every one of you for being a part of our school campus during your middle school years. We've loved your uniqueness, your charm, your determination, and everything else that's bundled up into the class of 2019. As always, I'd like to share a little advice on the eve of your descent into all things that are high school.

While there’s many tidbits of positive affirmations I could share… such as “take risks, have fun, enjoy these days - they don’t last forever, challenge yourself in everything you do, etc etc…” Instead, I’d like to just talk about relationships and how important relationships are for you moving forward.

It’s because relationships matter. Wherever you go, whatever you do, it's the relationships you've made along the way that highlight who you'll one day become.

Your relationships with your friends matter. I encourage you to be the friend who doesn't just listen but also hears when someone's in need. Try your best to surround yourself with friends who bring you up and not down. Those you meet who thrive on negative attention aren't. truly. friends. at. all. And don't be afraid to make new friends - the person you were at age 6 in kindergarten isn't the same person you will be when you graduate high school in four years - just as you've changed, your friends, current and future, have changed as well. Remember - there is no limit to the number of friends you can have; everyone you meet has the potential to be a lifelong friend. Take advantage of these opportunities to do so.

Your relationships with trusted adults matter. Specifically, your teachers. The ones who gave you a second chance on an assignment that you know you didn't best prepare for the first time around. The ones who spent the afternoons and evenings creating lessons that they hoped would engage and inspire you and build upon your desire to learn. The ones who wrote private high school recommendations for you. The ones who chose you as their Way To Go Student or Nacho Average Student or Deserving Dessert Student. The ones who opened up their classroom for you after hours to finish a test or seek extra help on that challenging classroom assignment. The ones who spent countless hours with you and your volleyball teammates in sixth grade, trying to help perfect your left handed serve. I'm talking about the entire UMS staff who are all present today to watch you walk across the stage. I can't stress enough how important it is to build positive relationships with your teachers. I'm only here today because of a chance encounter with my sophomore high school Spanish teacher - yes, blame Mr. Garcia everyone - who encouraged me to apply for a teaching job that started me on this path. Your teachers have been and will be some of your fiercest supporters. Continue to cultivate those relationships in high school and beyond. And don’t forget to thank them along the way.

Your relationships with your family members matter. Trust me when I say this... even if you are battling your parents or guardians right now on every single logical consequence and limitation they've given you, in about twenty years time, you're going to realize just how right they were about everything that you disagreed with when you were 14. If you're shaking your head right now, saying "oh, it won't be me", then yes, it most definitely will be you. Your parents, your grandparents, that aunt you've never connected with, every family member you may have: they have a love for you that you probably won't understand until you're in their shoes, watching your child, nephew, grandchild walk across the stage at their middle school promotion. My mother in law passed away 18 months ago. Not a day goes by where my wife doesn't share that she wishes that she had just one more chance to talk to her mom. Just one phone call. One hug. Just anything to hear their voice. Students - please take a moment later to write a note to those family members who have helped you get to this point in your life. Thank them for being there for you.

And finally, perhaps most importantly, your relationship with yourself matters. I saved this one for last on purpose. Everyone is always so hard on themselves. You aren't expected to be perfect. Be nice to yourself. Give yourself a bit of grace. If you're one of those students who frequented my office during middle school, think about how our conversations have changed over the past three years and take what you've learned to build upon that success for high school. You are all such dynamic, talented young adults and we want you all to know that we're proud of you, even when the days seem darkest.

I hope you all continue to keep the relationships you've built over the past three years and grow even more moving forward. And if there's anything I can ever do to help you on your journey through life, don't hesitate to ask. Congrats on your promotion. We are all very proud of each and every one of you.

"But We've Always Done It This Way" is Your Enemy

As a middle school principal, I'm always looking for ways to improve from what we'd doing well to what we could be doing better. We always are looking for those school practices that we've had for the longest time and brainstorm how we could be upgrade the user experience with new perspectives, a little bit of work, and a culture of yes. This past year, we looked at how we ask our students to sign up for their elective with the goal to support all students and increase the odds every student would get their first choice elective.

The elective process begins in February as we build the master schedule. A lot of work goes into the master schedule as we balance class sizes, assign prep periods, and yes, place electives during certain periods. It's important where we place electives as students sign up for a block of electives within the same period. For instance, if they want Intro to Leadership, they also have to take Minecraft as they're the only two electives that specific period.

Fast forwarding to May, we meet with our incoming 6th grade parents and share what electives they can sign up for. Meanwhile, for our current students who are returning for the upcoming school year, we have them select their elective classes during the school day.

Here's why we have our students select their electives this way:

1) We get close to a 100% response rate. When we allowed kids to have a week at home to sign up for an elective, you saw a certain trend in which students didn't sign up for an elective. These students were then dropped into a random, non-preferred elective that Fall. Having the elective selection take place during the school day levels the elective playing field for all students, regardless of the parental support at home.

2) We get instant results and can make changes over the weekend if necessary. If there's an elective that is undersubscribed, we can make the change immediately rather than waiting until weeks later. It's incredibly helpful to have this data all at once and with sufficient time left in the school year.

3) The students get to choose their elective as opposed to the elective their parents want them to have. We're in middle school. If there's every a time for a student to venture out and try something that they're not familiar with or perhaps something they have an interest in but never got the opportunity to explore. Sometimes, a student's choice is in conflict with the parent's choice. If the students get to choose, I'm hopeful they'll select what they, and not their parents, want.

We went a different route this year for our electives, using Google Forms. Aside from a few basic questions, all of the three expectations above were met.

Based on a few of the selections, we needed to make a few changes. Specifically, we needed a third year long Spanish class and more Intro to Leadership classes. We switched a semester Intro to Spanish class to the year long Spanish class we needed and added a year long Intro to Leadership class, embedded with elements from our Design Thinking elective. These are normal changes that we work through every single year; nothing out of the ordinary.

With the change, we emailed all of the students who signed up for the semester Intro to Leadership class to provide the opportunity to select instead the year long Intro to Leadership class. The following day, I shared with all of our 6th and 7th grade families that there were a few spots left in this newly-created year long Intro to Leadership class as well as our new-to-UMS year long Computer Discoveries (read: Coding) class. I strongly encouraged to speak with their student and make sure that if they wanted a spot in one of these classes, please sign up as soon as possible.

What I didn't expect to happen then did: a huge influx of students changing their electives to these two classes.

While this is a pretty cool thing, it's also rather complicating.

With a year long class, we have just 25-30 seats available for interested students. As sign ups inched up to 15... and then 20... and then 25... and then 28... for each of these electives, I realized that we were going to be oversubscribed with interested students.

So I sent a second communication twenty four hours later, sharing with our families that these electives were now "closed", based on significant student interest. We still allowed students to sign up for these electives but their selection would now show that they missed the cut-off deadline. Essentially, they'd be put on a waitlist for the class.

Some parents were not happy with the news.

One parent emailed, telling me (rather than asking) that their student needed to be in the year long Intro to Leadership class. Even when I explained the situation, providing a look behind the elective curtain, they didn't change their opinion: their student to be enrolled in the course. We went back and forth a bit, me trying to explain how the elective process works, them responding with a constant expectation of their child being placed into the elective. Even when I shared how it is an elective request, not an elective mandate, the parent seemed to be unmoved from their constant opinion regarding their student's upcoming elective.

Another parent was upset that they only had 24 hours to sign up for their student's elective. As a working parent, they shared how hard it was to get a text during the work day and follow up that evening. It was a terse conversation that prompted a follow up phone call to smooth things over. The follow up communication allowed me to point out how the year long Coding class was available to their student the previous Friday with the warning that if the year long class filled up, we wouldn't be able to proceed with the semester class. All in all, things ended up okay as their child enrolled in the class with plenty of time remaining. Usually, it just works out in the end.

And there was a third noteworthy parent who was disappointed by the "first come, first served" nature of the availability for the year long Intro to Leadership class. Truthfully, I agree with them; I'm not a huge fan of "first come, first served" procedures. With the limitations we have with only so many seats for our year long electives, it's an unfortunate predicament we're in. As we progressed through our conversation, the parent responded with the following:

"I'm sure it will be fine! My kid - who thinks a lot - is already done thinking about it. ;) I expect there's no perfect method and there will be complaints no matter what. I appreciate your responsiveness to the "small things." It gives me confidence that if I need to address a larger issue at UMS, it will be considered carefully.

Btw, one of my older kids was a student who was dismayed, at registration in August, to find he was assigned an elective he didn't want: Intro to Spanish. The teacher later told others the story of how he asked an unknown teacher, who was assisting students on registration day, about switching out of his randomly assigned Intro to Spanish class. She said, "Hi, I'm the Spanish teacher," and directed him to speak with several former students nearby, and told him he could try the class and request a change later if he wanted. He ended up loving the class..."

Overall, the change in how we ask our students to select their electives was a positive one. We definitely saw a significant reduction during the school year in students asking to switch into a new elective. Fewer elective change requests frees up our counselor and administrative team to focus on more kid-centric concerns during the first few days of the semester.

If there are past practices at your school that you've been hesitant to change, perhaps saying "but we've always done it this way," take the next few months to consider revamping your approach and consider a fresh, kid-focused shift in your policies for the upcoming year. It's not about being good enough; it's about doing our best for the kids.