For those of you not familiar with the (fake) reality show titled Vanderpump Rules, it follows Lisa Vanderpump (of Real Housewife "fame") and the late-twenties servers at one of her restaurants. Many of the main cast of characters have had intertwining relationships and the weekly fallout therein makes for great, mindless television each week.
In a semi-recent scene (words bleeped out, be careful!), James Kennedy (a "DJ" for the restaurant who calls himself the "White Kanye") and former BFF Lala (who believes she's Tupac reincarnated) have an argument that centers around Lala eating James' girlfriend's pasta. Lala boasted about doing so and James got quite upset. They proceeded to have an argument about the pasta eating in the middle of the street with the cameras rolling. During the argument, James would scream "it's not about the pasta!" but Lala would return the conversation back to the pasta.
It was fascinating television as they argued back and forth about the pasta incident, but as James said at the end of the clip, it truly wasn't about the pasta. It rarely is.
One thing I've discovered is that when friends, colleagues, spouses, family members argue with one another, it's rarely about the pasta.
Often, the argument is about how someone felt slighted, ignored, excluded, upset about how they were treated. Complicating matters more, the other person is rarely aware of how this person is feeling because there's little to no communication. Thus, someone will suffer in silence, building up their pain until that last little drop of frustration overflows their internal already filled-to-the-brim cup of kindness.
Part of the problem is that we, as human beings, often shy away from hard conversations with the hope that things will get better on their own.
Newsflash: They don't.
As an educator, I've seen incredibly talented co-workers privately share how hurt they were at the actions or the words of one of their colleagues. I'll listen and always encourage them to seek out that person to discuss. Most times, the person who has hurt them isn't even aware that their words or actions were taken in such a manner. Even more so, there's a miscommunication that led to their feelings and could be easily addressed.
What's interesting is that I've found many educators will shy away from having these conversations with their colleagues. Perhaps they think things will get better on their own. Maybe they are intimidated by the their co-worker. They might believe that nothing will change if they do bring up their concern. However, by staying silent, nothing improves and one's own mental health can suffer. And when they finally do speak up down the line about a separate incident, it's hard for their co-worker to understand why they're so upset about "the pasta".
Given that most of these conflicts occur through miscommunications, I'd like to suggest the following for any educator struggling with a colleague:
First, when you see or hear something that upsets you, don't wait too long to respond. If someone says something flippant in the staff room at lunch, let them know right then and there that what they said wasn't nice or accurate. If a teacher says that all of the kids at your school are lazy, speak up and let them know that's (hopefully) not true. Don't let the one teacher's narrative become your story.
Second, if you hear something that a colleague said through the grapevine, try to speak with them directly. Quotes quickly lose their context when shared outside of the original conversation. Just go straight to the source and ask for a clarification. Sarcasm doesn't travel well and is often a signifiant source of colleague conflict in schools.
Third, assume positivity. Maybe your co-worker is having a rough day, month, year. Maybe their comments are a cry for help and support. Are they a good educator, someone who you'd want your own child to be in their class? If so, perhaps assuming positivity throughout the miscommunication might help fix the minor conflict.
Fourth, don't make the issues of others your own. I believe it is good to support your peers, but there's a saying out there: These mountains you were carrying, you were only supposed to climb. If you absorb the negative emotions of others, you'll find yourself drowning in your days. Acknowledge that sometimes people will just say things they shouldn't and not always be as nice as you'd like them to be. This is ok.
Fifth, when you do have a hard conversation with a colleague, don't argue about non-issues. Just be kindly blunt and perfectly direct at how you're feeling. Don't expect them to own your feelings, but instead hopefully acknowledge how their words and actions contributed to the conversations you're having now. The hope is to rebuild whatever bridges were broken but it takes both parties to agree to this project.
And sixth, when you do have the conversation, be ready and willing to let your frustrations over the first incident go. If you harbor these thoughts beyond the initial chat, you haven't truly had a conversation worth having. Make sure when you have that colleague conversation, you're ready to fully clear the air so you're able to walk away anew. Otherwise, you'll just be internally upset while your colleague assumes things are perfectly fine.
Don't assume that things will just magically improve without working to address the concern. Don't wait for a second... or a third event to happen and cause the relationships to further deteriorate. When this happens, it's harder for both parties to address the original concern. After all, as the cast from Vanderpump Rules can confirm, it's not about the pasta.
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